Friday, July 22, 2011

So. . .yoga. . .nuff said

I have decided that Jillian Michaels is an evil, sadistic, goddess. 
Her body is practically perfect what with the muscle definition, flawless tan, and clear skin. However I bet she has split ends. . .hah! 
So what if she could kick my butt from here to next Thursday? My hair is better then hers! Que "happy song" LALALALAA LA LA LA LA DOO DAHHHH! 

Moment of truth: I have splint ends too *hangs head in shame*
Stupid girl must be some sort of deity.
So myself and the Sis-in-law got the grand idea to purchase this little baby. I figured if the people from The Biggest Loser could do yoga, so could I. Phsh!

News Flash: Those people are freaking hard core! 

Jillian makes you feel safe, tells you to try something different, and to not be afraid of new experiences (perhaps she is in the wrong profession? I see psychiatrist in her future, just sayin') and then she asks you to contort your body into uncomfortable positions (keep in mind my body is much fluffier then most), once contorted she then expects you to move in a repetitious manner so as to "Burn that fat"! Now that you are panting sufficiently she is going to tell you to hold that terribly painful pose for 15 seconds. . ."yeah 15 seconds isn't that long, I can do that." I think. Too bad for me that Jillian starts rambling about one thing or another for about half an hour while you're twisted up like a fatty pretzel wishing for the sweet relief of death, or for her to shut up so you can un-twist. . .either or, either ways fine.  

You know what else is completely sickening? Those skinny-minnie girls on the video with her NEVER stop smiling! You're not fooling anybody lady!! We all know that you wish you could drop-kick Jillian right in her perfect derrière. All I'm sayin' is that no one would mind if you threw in a grimace every once in awhile.

The trick is to do this "practice" (that's what Jillian calls different forms of exercise, she's so fancy) in a semi-dark room with zero reflective surfaces. You have to be really thorough while inspecting your work-out space, because heaven forbid you forget to put the blinds down all the way and half way through the hell we call yoga you catch a glimpse of this sweaty, round, walrus wearing your orange t-shirt and gray shorts. . .oh sweet baby Jesus that is me. Now you have to finish your work-out while trying not to vomit from the image you just saw. 

Not that I would know from personal experience or anything.

Another tip that good ol' Jillian doesn't mention is that you must have proper support for "the girls". No really, it's all fun and games until someone gets a black eye via flailing boobage. Strap down those puppies or you'll regret it. 

In all seriousness I highly recommend this DVD. I can't say for sure if I have actually "burned that fat" but I can hardly walk so I'm thinking it works pretty well.

Twisty-tiger-pretzel Over and Out 

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