Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I'm a Double D...and I am NOT talkin' about boobies!

My brother recently bestowed upon me a rather unique nickname: Double D. It is not because I have huge ta-taas either (because that would be pretty weird coming from my bro) The real reason is because I sorta hate our dog. DD = Dog Despiser

Now before all of you animal lovers start jumping down my throat you have to understand that our dog is a complete moron. It may be mean but its 100% warranted. Mali is an idiot, plain and simple. 

For example she does this thing where she jumps up and scratches and claws the back door to be let in, she behaves as if she were buried in a coffin and her limited air supply is depleting rapidly (when she has only been outside for 10 minutes and her being outside was HER idea in the first place, because I couldn't care less) So I go to let her in. . .more often then naught I am lugging a 20 pound toddler on my hip because Captain Annoying (another term of endearment for the pooch) will inevitably knock her over when she comes sprinting into the house like an Olympic athlete. That would be enough to bother any sane person but we are not finished folks. . .it gets worse! You open the door and are instantly blasted by 100+ degrees of sticky humidity soaked air, so you kinda wanna shut that door as soon as physically possible, well too bad for you because the dog looks right up at you and then runs back into the yard to retrieve whatever mud-caked, drool infested toy she is fancying at the moment. Once the toy is securely in her mouth she trots over (taking her sweet time) and jogs into the house. Now repeat this scenario about 43 times a day. 

And if you are really lucky the "toy" she brings with her will be something like a grasshopper carcass (which you will find on the rug hours later. . .gross!) Or on one particularly special occasion you see her canter in holding a tuft of grass in her mouth. It had been rainy the past few days so it was covered in dirt and whatnot, harmless right? WRONG! That tuft of grass turns out to be really stinky, we can't have that in the living room so I saunter over and pick it up (much to puppy's dismay) and as I am walking to the trash can I notice this grass has legs. . .take a moment to let that fully sink in (I know I did) sooooo grass should NOT have appendages. . .S*#^!!! THIS AWFUL NASTY THING IS A DEAD MOUSE!!!!! AND I'M HOLDING IT!!

Yep, hate the dog. . .a lot.

There is the culprit now. She looks innocent enough but it's all just part of her plan to lure you in. If you find yourself feeling sorry for her just take a moment to scroll back up and read the tidbit about the rodent. That should set you straight.

Maybe you are wondering why I don't stage a jail break? Perhaps I could "accidentally" leave the back gate open when I take the trash out next. Or not secure her leash the next time we go to the park. Believe me I have thought about it. . .however there is this small brown-haired little darlin' who is in love with the World's Dumbest Dog.
Case and Point.

She shares her necklaces (we call them pretties) with her and everything.

So I guess love really IS blind. . .also love must not have a very good sense of smell either cause this canine has the most terrible gas and her breath is not the freshest.

Oh well the baby gets what the baby wants. And so my good friends you shall forever know me as Cassie The DD.

Dog Despiser Over and Out.