Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ma'am Awkward = Me

 I have been practicing my "come hither" look. . .I need A LOT more practice! See!! Therein lies the problem, I thought I knew how to interact with the opposite sex, turns out I'm an idiot. . .cause I totally don't. Awesome.

Yep. Just call me Ma'am Awkward.

Once or Twice in my 23 years I have been referred to as a "flirt". On each occasion I resented the title and quickly dismissed it.

My how the times have changed! At this point I am thinking about creating a craigslist add searching for someone who will feed me false hope. Listen ladies this is a BIG DEAL, I have lost my ability to flirt. My "mojo" if you will.

I use to flirt with Boy all the time. Mostly cause he is handsome, and for sport, or to pass the time, but he's really quite the looker so it's probably more due to that then anything else.
See for yourselves. Boy = Beautiful
 But Boy and I have meandered out of the flirt-able land of friendship into something much more rigid. Not that it would matter because I can't do it anymore anyways. We really can't blame this on Boy. He is not responsible for my awkward-ness. Nope, I did that all by my lonesome. 

Really though, the other day I saw a guy looking at me in the produce section (I was mulling over a fruit purchase, I don't know what in the blazes he was doin' NOT buying produce, just sayin') Instead of smiling politely (because after all this guy wasn't hideous) I spastic-ally jerked my body around till I was facing a display of bananas and then galloped away like the ungraceful boar that I am.

"Believe me produce dude you dodged a bullet, because had you pursued me, you would have been destined for a life devoid of flirting, that and having to bandage me up each time I randomly awkward my way into an injury. No one has enough patience or band-aids for that."

I have been doing a little flirting research (sad, I know) and as far as I can tell girls just get lucky and men are just looking for the "pretties". I mean batting your eyelashes?? What is that?! 
You just look sleepy, or possessed.
Witty banter? Got none. Overwhelming good looks? Not likely. One of those dresses with the hoop skirts and built in butts? Yeah they stopped making those after Cinderella came out. 

Forget it. I give. This is what I have to offer:

Shock & Awe!

Holy Yes!

Let all those girls with their flirtation and lovely looks try and compete, the sad truth is that they just can't compare, because I am awesome. Yep I said it. I am an AWESOME flirt-less wonder. So there.

Ma'am Awkward Over and Out

*But just in case you have any pearls of wisdom to relate feel free to leave a comment below*

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